i just saw two episodes of flcl and i was dazzled by the soundtrack of the work, i have to listen to more alt rock, i could apply this style in my songs, i could apply these themes in my lyrics. this feeling of possibility is so delicious, i live for this feeling. i wonder what i would do when this feeling was gone... actually i know the answer. it's pretty vague. but i would just seek that thrill again, as i live for that feeling.
i have no idea what this guy is talking about, i shouldn't have stopped learning Japanese. maybe i will someday. i stopped doing a lot of things, it gets boring after a while. you start to lose the "new" feeling, you know. i live for that feeling.
sometimes i wonder what should I do with that feeling. do i write it? do I describe it? should i do something with it? should i tell someone? i never tell anyone anything. if I told someone something for sure that person would start looking at me in a completely different way than before. i know this because i've tried it, i gave up after a while. the weird thing is i still feel that feeling. what do i do with this feeling?
how do i proceed? i keep asking questions. i always think that i should take action instead of planning. i feel like i'm going to slide out of my bed at any moment. i feel flying, or rather, as if my bed were on the edge of a cliff, almost falling. it didn't stop. it stopped all my thinking. was that good? i didn't like it so i sat down. the feeling didn't go away.
well, i guess i should try again after all. as much as i know i'm not going to do anything and i'm going to give up before progressing.
exactly like before.
i keep losing the feeling on purpose. so i can capture it again, again and again. i know this because i've done it before. i live for that feeling. why? because this feeling is good. i like the feeling of possibilities. and the rest? i never really cared about the rest. sometimes the rest is everything, and sometimes everything is the feeling, but there's always the rest.
with time i learned that life is about dealing with the rest, not the feeling. this is ironic. because if i don't lose the feeling, the feeling becomes the rest. so i lose the feeling anyway.
it feels empty, but i'm just part of this giant cycle of rest and feeling. it's all very vague and i have no idea where this will end, if it does.
i don't like uncertainty, and no, i didn't contradict myself when i said i like possibilities, i like having paths in front of me. but the more i think about it, the more improbable everything gets, everything gets uncertain and i hate it all.
it's too far from the feeling, the feeling is my home. the sure is my home. i will never tell you. i will never learn Japanese. i will never get off the cliff. i will never leave my room. i'm never gonna change. because i'm afraid. the feeling of certainty (SECURITY) protects (ATTACHES) me from the rest.
i've never wanted anything more than the feeling, because it gives me everything i need (ALL i KNOW), and the rest (THE DARK) scares me. i'm not directly afraid of the rest, but maybe what's in it (WHAT CAN HAPPEN).
but how can i be sure? i never got into the rest. beyond that time... the same thing would happen. with time it gets boring, and the feeling goes away.
this is normal, right? it's part of it, isn't it? how futile, how ignorant i am, asking questions to someone i know doesn't know the answers.
the more i think about it the more i realize that this is unfeasible, and inescapable. feels so right... i want to describe the feeling. i want to tell you. and i really wish you would just answer me, and i don't know who you are, yet. a friend, perhaps. i have several friends but none as intimate as i had with you. i didn't remember the feeling when i told you, and then i lost the reason to tell you the feeling... again, i lost the feeling. ha ha. I keep confirming myself.
i really wanted to get to the part where i say "i should stop giving up" but getting there is so hard! i'm getting nervous. i don't know how i stop, it seems so obvious, but i can't find a reason. my body does not move. since i have EVERY reason to keep going after the feeling, i don't want to stop trying. but the attempt leads me to give up. starting leads me to finish. or am i freaking out? does everyone just accept all of this? or is it just me who sees things that way? probably not. i'm not that special.
i think if i don't think... i won't need to find answers, since i don't have questions.
i keep hunting for meanings where there are none, i keep hunting for answers where there are no questions. i keep creating dilemmas where there are no solutions. the feeling does not exist. i finally named my frustration and treated it like an equation. only to forget about it and experience it all again tomorrow. and you know what, it's okay. i do not know much. i'll know sometime.
it is still inconclusive. i want answers now. but there is nothing i can do, as i have been able to prove. it's so boring! and losing the feeling we go back to the beginning, possibilities, feelings, people, uncertainties. maybe it's not a cycle, it's the period. how obvious, isn't it? it is funny.
i'm going to sit here and wait for everything to happen, metaphorically, since if i don't actually do anything, it's not like anything is going to happen in the first place.
i think a better description would be walking calmly while everything is happening, not rushing, not running. exactly that.